


Eridan: Just Lose It

by Xagave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Accurate descriptions of public bathrooms, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Casteism, Desperation, Gross amusement park food, M/M, Omorashi, Public Humiliation, Wetting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 02:45:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15809730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xagave/pseuds/Xagave
Summary: Eridan is bullied mercilessly at an amusement park





	Eridan: Just Lose It

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jangnan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jangnan/gifts).



> It's 2k18 time to post piss on main

“Of all the people Fef totally unfairly dumped me off on, she just _had_ to choose the foulest, greasiest, most physically unappealing pissblood this side of town because I guess she thought I wanted to stroll around with someone who’s too inept to figure out how to turn the fuckin’ shower on or maybe she thought I’d get a real kick outta seein’ someone unironically partake in a ‘100 layers’ challenge by refusing to wash off the neon orange layers of Dorito dust encrusted around each bulbous fingertip. Frankly this is fuckin’ rediculous and it doesn’t help that the temperature is absolutely scaldin’. I’m pretty sure I just felt a bead of sweat roll down my back and I want to _leave_.”

“Are you done yet?” Sollux asks, not at all enthused with Eridan’s copious amounts of whining, or with Eridan in general. That seems to be a running theme with most, if not all people who have been punished by the heavens above because of some past unforgivable sin that they must somehow exist in Eridan’s presence without combusting on the spot.

That would be against the rules, and as the universe’s chosen sufferer, the cards are forever stacked against Sollux and he will never be allowed the sweet, sweet release of death.  

Eridan seems offended at Sollux’s casual dismissal of his obvious distress, and Sollux cuts him off before he can go on another annoying, migraine-inducing rant.

“I need you to stop with the egregious whining for a second because it’s pissing me off. FF and AA dumped us here so they could have a ‘girl’s night out’ because they’re probably sick of our shit, and I’ve had to deal with you so far for _one measly minute_ and I’m already sick of your shit too. So spare me your barnacle act because I don’t care about your bullshit feelings on the matter, and before you say anything, I only care when it’s convenient for me.”

“Well you don’t gotta act like a barely-pupated sack of crap about it but I guess I shouldn’t expect more from someone the likes a’ you, seeing as how you’re awful downstream in terms of class and all. You should be grateful I deign to be seen in your company at all you groundfucking four-horned bifurcated bulge-slurping freak; not everyone has the globes to humble themselves enough to pal around with a science experiment gone horrifically wrong at at amusement park, you know. You should be _so thankful_ ,” Eridan sneered, earning nothing but a tired sigh and an exaggerated eyeroll from Sollux.

Eridan sniffs and tosses his horns like he thinks this is just one big joke and he’s getting the last laugh in, like some lackadaisical dirtblood could ever get the upper hand on someone as noble and tenacious as him.

It’s outright insulting that this globe-sucking psionic fuck isn’t kissing the dirt in which Eridan walks on with his expensive, perfectly polished shoes. Come to think of it, he’s not quite sure if sneakers can really be polished but either way they’re better than the ratty, dirt-smudged sad excuses for footwear Sollux currently has on his grimy-ass feet. A pity though, that Sollux doesn’t yet quite understand that a lowblood’s place is at a sea dweller’s feet.

Sollux, however, isn’t privy to Eridan’s innermost thoughts (and even if he were it’s not like he’d care) and dutifully ignores him.

“Alright well you have fun tugging your bulge to all the titillating ways you can make yourself feel all warm and tingly inside via insulting other trolls because deep down inside you know you’re a piece of calcified shit and that’s the only way you can feel good about yourself I guess,” Sollux says, waving his hand and brushing off Eridan yet again. “But if I’m stuck in this festering hole of shame and way too many perspiring bodies then I might as well make use of all the weird food instead of standing here listening to you flap your gums endlessly about things nobody cares about. Bye.”

Sollux doesn’t wait for a response, he simply does a 180 and walks off into the crowd of other trolls.

This particular amusement park has trolls of every hue, though the lack of sea dwellers isn’t exactly fresh and exciting news. Plenty of clowns and an oversaturation of blues, but if Feferi and Eridan were the only waders here it wouldn’t be all that shocking. Sea trolls don’t exactly come out of the ocean all that often, much less to spend time around a bunch of dirty peons.

Cleaning drones seem to shadow the colder castes, because apparently a robot being there at all times to take some clown’s soiled paper plate really makes the Amusement Park Experience that much better while everyone sub-teal has to deal with overflowing trash cans. Of course this just means that most everyone dumps their garbage wherever, but the drones seem to be pretty prompt about cleanup for the most part.

Apparently this isn’t good enough for holier-than-thou Eridan, who picks up his cape to keep it from touching the ground when he decides that standing at the entrance of an amusement park all alone like an absolute weenie is worse than having Sollux hassle him.

He jogs to catch up, and Sollux gives him a look when he spies the violet bundle of fabric in his arms.

“What are you doing?” he asks, only mildly interested.

“This place is fuckin’ dirty and I don’t w-want my cape to touch the ground,” Eridan announces, like that was the obvious answer and everybody here is doing it.

“Well you look like an idiot and people are staring at you. Plus don’t you have like a million goddamn capes? I think you’re fine.”

A quick look reveals that people are, in fact, staring at Eridan. And he does, in fact, have a gazillion capes, mostly thrown in haphazard piles around his hive that he keeps telling himself he’ll pick up and then never does. He lets his cape drop and crosses his arms.

“This is one of my least favorite capes anyways.”

Sollux doesn’t bother responding and simply sighs again. He’s not quite sure if Eridan is aware that one of the reasons people are staring at him is because he’s wearing a big, obnoxious violet cape in the first place, but maybe one of these nights the guy will figure it out. Maybe not.

Most likely not.

“What’s there even to do here anyways?” Eridan asks haughtily as if he’s not standing in the middle of _an amusement park_.

When he gets home, Sollux is going to _murder_ Aradia for dumping him off on this semi-aquatic piece of shit. Feferi too.

“Well fuck dude I have no idea, I thought we were just going to stand here and fist ourselves like a gaggle of sopor-brined imbeciles instead of going on all these rides, which tends to be the purpose of coming to these places and all,” Sollux answered flatly.

Jesus Christ, no wonder Feferi shoved him off on Sollux. If Eridan was left all alone here he’d probably park his glutes somewhere and mope until Feferi dragged him back home. Aradia’s reasoning for forcing Sollux to crawl out of his shame basement was that he needed the moonlight because it might help him out with lessening the frequency of his depression spells, which sounds super fake but whatever.

But speaking of things to do, Sollux’s main point of interest is the _food_.

He spies a snow cone cart as he shoulders past an absolutely massive bronzeblood, whose huff of indignation Sollux pretends he didn’t hear. There’s more interesting things just on the horizon (or in Sollux’s case, like five feet away) and he grabs a fistful of Eridan’s cape and yanks the saltsucker over to the cart.

“W-what the fuck Sol w-what w-was that for?”

Wuh-wow, his accent sure does come out when he’s upset.

“Buy me a snow cone,” Sollux tells him, pointing to the cart just in case Eridan’s coke bottle glasses aren’t as strong as they should be.

“Wh-- w-w-why??”

“Because I’m poor, you insensitive prick.”

Eridan straightens himself out and brushes off the (not so) invisible dirt and grease from where Sollux touched him, looking down his nose at the pathetic yellowblood.

“And how exactly is that any a’ my concern?”

“You should care because I’m the asshole who put your computer together for you and I can take it the fuck apart. And also if you don’t buy me a snow cone I won’t play World of Warcraft with you anymore,” Sollux explains. That second point really ought to get Eridan to comply, especially since the only other troll who will play games with Eridan is Karkat, except Karkat actually has a life and therefore can’t whittle away precious hours playing computer games until it’s well into the day for several nights in a row. “If neither of those options tickle your fancy then I’ll tell everyone what you Goregled last night.”

“You monitor my computer??” Eridan sputters, somehow unironically shocked that Sollux has access to his electronics, especially the one Sollux made himself. “Sol that’s not _fair_. I paid you good money to make that and I’d assumed you’d keep your meddlin’ snout _outta_ it. And I repeat: that’s _not fuckin’ fair_.” His fins flick back against his head in abject horror then fan out in displeasure as Eridan can’t quite figure out if he’s mad or embarrassed. It’s more of a weird, sort of queasy combination of both.

“Yeah and neither is being poor so pony up the caegers.”

“Well maybe you wouldn’t be so fuckin’ poor if you stopped wasting all your money on game grubs and Doritos and bitcoins or w-whatever the hell you get up to in that moldy decrepit cave you call a hive.”

Yeah? Well maybe Sollux wouldn’t have a headache if Eridan stopped talking so much but not everyone gets what they want in life.

“You’re not wrong but you’re still buying me food and you can shove your feelings on the matter right up your blowhole,” Sollux says instead.

Eridan scowls at the psionic, considering his options very, very carefully. On one prong, this lowlife doesn’t deserve a single cent. On the other, he’s one of the few people who actually talk to him and he doesn’t want Sollux to air out his dirty laundry.

\---

Sollux and Eridan sit down on a bench, huge-ass snow cones in hand. Sollux looks inordinately happy at having gotten his way and he spoons rainbow ice into his facehole at a terrifying pace. Eridan glowers into his own violet-colored treat, eating it at a more socially acceptable rate.

It’s supposed to be grape, is what the sign said, but this tastes like ass.

“This tastes like ass,” Eridan mutters.

“Eating ass is what all the cool kids are into nowadays. Mine tastes great by the way,” Sollux quips.

Eridan mumbles to himself and doesn’t eat more of his purple disappointment; he mostly just flings ice chunks onto the ground and watches a cleaning drone scitter forward to vacuum up his mess while Sollux scarfs down his own snow cone, except half way through he gets a killer brain freeze and howls in pain.

“Hah! That’s what you get for eating like a beast!” Eridan shouts.

Sollux lifts his hand and shows Eridan a rude gesture, then shoves the remnants of his snow cone into Eridan’s hands.

“Fuck you. I don’t want mine anymore, you can have it,” Sollux moans as he fruitlessly massages his temples.

This is the worst gift anyone has ever given Eridan (and it’s not even technically a gift, Sollux was just using him as a means to get rid of his trash) but the fact that someone gave him _anything_ has his fins flapping like excited butterflies. It’s totally embarrassing but it’s not like this yellow-tinged asswipe is even looking at him so who cares if Eridan lets his fishy parts betray how he’s feeling.

Besides, the snow cone still has a good amount of ice left in it and Sollux foolishly didn’t realize that most of the sweet syrup has collected at the bottom. It’s mostly a watery mess at this point but beggars can’t be choosers (er, not that Eridan will ever stoop so low as to be considered a _beggar_ ). Eridan takes a test swig and it’s surprisingly delicious. It’s an overly-sweet fruity cocktail and Eridan downs the rest of it, crunching on the ice. There was about a cup’s worth of liquid and Eridan sincerely hopes it helps him stop sweating so goddamn much in this brutal heat.

Sollux doesn’t seem like he’s dying as much as Eridan is, but then again, Eridan is the one who showed up in long sleeves, a cape, and a scarf. During the summer. That plus his naturally lower body temperature means he’s shit outta luck when it comes to being able to handle sweltering temperatures.

Thank god he’s rich and can buy as many icy chill drinks as he wants, and he’s not sharing _any_ of them with Shitlux.

Their next pitstop is to get lemon shakeups, and Sollux, expectedly, hassles Eridan into buying him one too via vague threats. And also a deep fried twinkie _and_ a deep fried stick of butter, because just one heart-stopping monstrosity wasn’t enough. The latter sounds absolutely _rancid_ and the second Eridan makes the gargantuan mistake of commenting on it and making a face, Sollux slaps the greasy thing right into Eridan’s palm.

“Congrats, buddy! Now you get to eat it!” Sollux cheerfully tells him, taking a big bite out of his deep fried twinkie. Once again, Sollux’s choice is _delicious_.

Thankfully the butter on a stick is contained in a paper tray so it doesn’t dribble all over Eridan’s hand, but just watching the thing getting soggy in a thick pool of melted butter is enough to make his digestion sac churn.

“Sol I can’t eat this I mean _look at it_ ,” fretted Eridan, “It’s going to give me a fuckin’ pusher attack right on the spot the second I bite into it. My superior biology ain’t meant for this kind a’ rubbish, you know.”

“ED you eat pizza rolls just like everyone else and you’re unfortunately still alive, now eat the damn thing.”

Sollux is looking at him expectantly, waiting for Eridan to take a bite. Eridan pales a little, fins wilting, because this golden phallic-shaped glob of greasy misery in his hand is the worst thing to happen to anybody, but if he doesn’t eat it then Sollux will think he’s a weak-ass punk and it’ll give him more excuses to make fun of Eridan and that is _not_ allowed.

But he’ll show that lispy asshole who’s boss and then Sollux will finally give him the respect he so rightfully deserves.

He picks up the deep fried butter by the also deep fried stick part, but gags a little when the mushy dough breaks in half and a torrent of butter spews out and into the paper tray. What exactly is the point of this?? Are people supposed to eat the dough then drink the butter? Fuck, that’s _disgusting_ , and it sounds _exactly_ like the kind of food that lowbloods would cull to get their equally as greasy hands on.

It’s no surprise Sollux was as interested in it as he was, up until Eridan continued to make bad life choices and get stuck with this pissblood’s unfortunate food selection. The twinkie on a stick is already gone, decimated by Sollux’s voracious appetite and bottomless pit of a stomach.

A garbage disposal on legs, eugh.

Unfortunately, now it’s Eridan’s turn. He swallows down the slight tinge of nausea and takes the plunge, taking a bite of his... deep fried butter on a stick.

...and surprisingly, it’s delightful! Eridan perks right up, humming a satisfied noise.

“Holy shit this is actually _good_ ,” he says.

“Wait really? What the fuck you have to give me a bite!”

“Nope,” Eridan teases, holding his food just out of Sollux’s reach every time he makes a grab for the tray. “I ain’t buyin’ you a second one so suck it.”

“ _Fuck_ you,” Sollux says, with all the conviction he can muster. He doesn’t press the matter further, simply shaking up his lemonade and angrily sipping it with a scowl. Eridan follows suit after he’s finished his lifetime allotment of butter and oil.

The lemon shakeups are massive; the cups are nearly as tall as Eridan’s arm is long and at first he thinks there’s no way in hell he can finish this cup of righteous fury, but before he knows it, he’s three quarters of the way through. This heat must really be getting to both of them because Sollux’s has been _obliterated_. Eridan cites the issue of the ice watering down his lemonade too much to finish it but all it results in is Sollux calling him a random, hand-picked assortment of foul names, and just to prove him wrong, Eridan sucks down the rest of his drink.

It wasn’t at all worth it.

For the next half hour, the two of them walk around with a massive lemonade-induced tummy ache until Eridan’s baser needs outweigh the urge to stay as far away from public restrooms as possible.

“Sol, I gotta pee,” Eridan says.

“Ok? Then go, there’s a bathroom area like right here. But before you go I want some money so fork over the caegers then fuck off for a few minutes.”

“You’re so fuckin’ rude and demanding. I’d say I ought to get out the crosshairs and reduce you to nothing but a pile of smoldering piss-colored slag in the dirt but it w-would be awfully bold a’ me to assume that you ain’t half w-way there already, even w-without my generous offer to help.”

“That insult sucked. That was bad and you should feel bad,” Sollux tells Eridan, holding out his hand for money. “Didn’t you have to pee or something?”

Fuck, yeah, Eridan really does have to go.

Fine, Sollux wins this time. Eridan digs around in his pocket and deposits some caegers in Sollux’s hand, making sure to slap them down so some of them fall on the ground. Eridan sniffs and heads to the bathroom, striding quickly so his stupid cape billows behind him.

“Pompous asshole,” Sollux mumbles, stooping to pick up the fallen money. He’d launch a coin right at Eridan’s dumb oversized head, but unfortunately his lack of fine motor control with his psionics means he might do more damage than intended. Sometimes he still tries to practice with his shuriken, but the beehouse mainframes in his hive can only take so much damage before they’re unrepairable.

There’s a candy shop that Sollux has been eyeing and once he’s firmly decided against boring a hole in Eridan’s head with dirty currency, he walks inside.

The shop has candy lining every available space on the walls, as well as several racks taking up most of the floor space. Sollux takes his time looking at the available selections but he has no idea what he actually wants, aside from those stackable lego cubes made of candy. Fuck it, life is too short and miserable not to indulge in the finer things in life and he might as well get a pound (or two) of candy legos. He fills up a plastic baggy, maybe popping one or two into his mouth for good measure.

Next to the self-serve tubs of sugar on steroids is an array of of packages with a sign above it that reads ‘Kismesis Candy’, as well as sections for other quadrants.

There’s salted licorice bites, Russian roulette chocolate covered cherries (apparently one of them has a hot pepper inside instead, oof), spicy candy straws, onion-flavored hard candy, 99% cocoa chocolate, and a whole host of other diabolical delights.

Sollux selects the salted licorice because he hates himself and gets a bottle of pumpkin juice as well for the sole purpose of forcing a certain violet bastard to relive his wigglerhood obsession.

The Harry Potter jelly beans can stay on the shelf where they belong.

This kismesis candy is outright terrible but even hot sauce spray is as bad as the evilest gift anyone (Aradia) has ever given Sollux: a bag of baby carrots.

He shudders at the thought then pays for his stuff and leaves, and no sooner does Eridan gallop over to him at full speed, looking a little pale in the fins.

“Oh my _god_ Sol you w-won’t _believe_ w-what I saw in that absolute shithole,” Eridan pants.

“Let me guess. Real-life, actual shit?”

“Yes!! It was fuckin’ deplorable, because first off the line went out the goddamn building, even on the highblood side no thanks to this infestation of assclowns, but the first stall I went into had literal diarrhea all over everything but inside the toilet. It’s like someone bent over and decided to shit all over the wall except it exited their feeble body like a rocket oh _god_ it probably broke the sound barrier, my _ears_ and all my other delicate senses,” Eridan whined. “Sol I can’t use a bathroom like that I _demand_ you take me to a different one _now_.”

Jesus, it’s like Eridan has never been inside a public ablution block in his entire life. Alright, Sollux will take him to a different one but he’s in for a rather stinky surprise. Imagine his unyielding horror if he had to, gasp, use the _lowblood_ side.

“Fuck, _fine_ , your _majesty_. Follow me,” Sollux says. It’s a bit of a walk to get to a different bathroom but the second a new one is in sight, Eridan is off like a shot. Except, just as Sollux predicted, Eridan is back again before Sollux can plant his non-existent ass down on a bench to build stuff with his candy legos.

“Sol this one is _w-worse!_ ” he screeches. “I’ve never seen so many bodies crammed into such a small space before. There were paper towels and toilet paper _everywhere_ it was like fuckin’ twelfth perigee’s eve and the cleaning drones couldn’t keep up, _fuck_. I can’t do this, I can’t piss in peace in a place like this and I guess I just gotta fuckin’ hold it until Fef comes to get me. This is the worst night of my life,” Eridan wails, putting his head into his hands.

For all Sollux knows this very well _could_ be the worst day of this pampered prince’s life because oh, how dare he not get everything handed to him on a perfectly sanitized silver nutrition plateau. Or maybe (most likely) it’s just Eridan being dramatic because when has that ever stopped being a thing that continues to happen.

“You aren’t going to find one any better than the first two. They’re all like that. Just hold it like a wiggler while _I_ go take a leak because I’ve given up on life and shit no longer phases me,” Sollux says.

Sollux leaves Eridan to mope all alone about his terrible lot in life while he uses the (absolutely even more foul and disgusting) designated lowblood side of the restroom facilities. It’s really not that bad once he wipes the seat off a little and ignores the pile of poop someone tried to hide in the corner.

Once he returns to Eridan, he fishes out the little package of salted licorice and brandishes it in front of the wader’s face.

“Now that I’ve taken care of nature’s call, we can eat _these_.”

Eridan seems genuinely surprised to see Sollux offering him _kismesis candy_ , and he momentarily forgets the increasing pressure in his lower abdomen to wonder if Sollux is not so subtly implying something here (and has been, for a while). In fact, he’s so gobsmacked by Sollux’s indisputable onyx flirtations that it takes him a good couple of seconds to remember that he’s supposed to respond then he kicks his pan into gear (and picks his jaw up off the ground because it’s _Sollux_ ). He does that pretentious thing again where he stares down his nose at Sollux and crosses his arms, the ghost of a smirk on his face.

“Well well well,” he drawls, and Sollux’s face drops. He sighs for the millionth time this night, knowing exactly what sort of uninspired fetid fecal matter is going to come pouring out of Eridan’s misshapen mouth. “I didn’t think you had it in you Sol but what can I say, it’s hard for you poor savages to resist getting your grimy hands all over a priceless, exquisite treasure when you lay your grotesque mismatched eyes on it.”

Oh, god. Sollux has made a _horrible_ mistake.

“Not that I can blame you,” Eridan continues. “I’m a one of a kind, rare and wellborn and it’s only natural that your kind should be attracted to my effulgent, eloquent personality and appearance. My treacherous proclivity must have been too daunting for you to make a move until now but I see that you’ve finally come to your senses. You’re obviously captivated by me and I think I can make this work out; I’m a natural at getting those tenebrous sort a feelings flowin’ like the harsh current of a river pushing sediment towards the sea and if you just work on it a little bit I think you might be worthy a’ my unbridled rancor. If you hated me this much Sol you coulda just told me.”

Wow.

Sollux isn’t sure if Eridan actually knows the definition of all those big words or if he just pulled all of this straight out of his ass. Oh god, he doesn’t practice this sort of thing in front of a mirror, does he? Did Eridan _memorize_ this?

“Eridan, _everybody_ hates you,” Sollux retorts. He looks around for a split second and grabs the nearest chump by the arm, pulling them over. “Hey, do you hate this guy?” he asks.

The troll, a teal by the look of them, gives Eridan a once over and curls their lip in distaste.

“Yeah,” they say, before Sollux immedistely shoves them away.

“I rest my case,” Sollux says, ripping open the bag of candy. “You’re looking into this too much. There’s nothing to read in between the lines so put away your inexplicably fancy magnifying glass then take your offer and cram it right where the sun doesn’t shine you absolute baboon. Now eat this candy with me.”

“Oh,” Eridan says.

Fuck, he really jumped the gun there didn’t he? He’s such a goddamn idiot, the most colossal of buffoons. Eridan might as well pack his bags and head off to clown school for clowns because he’s the biggest fool of them all.

Though really, this is all Sollux’s fault because he was putting out some _obvious_ signals there. Nobody could really blame Eridan for thinking Sollux was hitting on him when Sollux was the one offering him _kismesis candy_.

Sollux hands Eridan a fingernail-sized hunk of… Eridan isn’t quite sure what it is. It’s hard and looks like it’s black and covered in a fine white powder.

“Eat it at the same time as me, on the count of three,” Sollux instructs. “One... two… _three_.”

They pop the candy in their mouths and then immediately regret ever being hatched. Both of them don twin looks of absolute _horror_ and when Eridan attempts to spit his out, Sollux claps a hand over Eridan’s mouth.

“ _Eat it_ ,” Sollux demands, voice cracking while simultaneously trying not to cry. Eridan looks like he’s already halfway there if that twinkle in the corners of his eyes are any indication.

Fuck, this has to be the _saltiest_ thing either of them have ever tasted. It’s like someone took a salt lick and shrunk it down then thought, hey! This is totally edible! It’s incredibly obvious why this is marketed as kismesis candy because why not have a battle of wills to the death on who can consume the most amount of hyperconcentrated salt before they keel over and expire on the spot? There’s so much of the stuff coating the licorice underneath that it immediately makes the two of them salivate, and Eridan can see a little line of drool leaking out of the corner of Sollux’s mouth.

Eridan stomps on the ground, grimacing his way through this salty daymare. It feels like it takes an eon to lick away the white coating and when they get to the inexplicably sweet licorice underneath it doesn’t feel at all worth this massive struggle. Their tongues will never be the same.

“Fuck, w-why did you make me eat this shit?” Eridan lamented, snatching the bag of candy out of Sollux’s twiggy hands to read the label.

“Because I like to see you suffer.”

Unfortunately both of them lack a functioning pan as well as a sense of self-preservation and they spent the next half hour trying to outdo each other by seeing who could eat more of the salted licorice.

They eat the entire bag.

Despite the growing need to pee, Eridan gladly takes Sollux’s offered pumpkin juice to wash down the excessive salt, chugging half the bottle in one go. Of course this yellow troglodyte harasses Eridan about his wizard phase the entire time and Eridan argues right back, falling horns-first into that obvious trap.

At least the pumpkin juice is tasty.

At some point, Eridan tries to brave another restroom and gives up the moment he steps foot into the thing. Sollux doesn’t seem to give a single solidified fuck about Eridan’s bladder issues and suggests they go play bumper cars, which Eridan stupidly agrees to.

Suffice to say, it was absolute _hell_ (for Eridan) because Sollux _purposely_ went out of his way to ram his bumper car into Eridan’s as hard as possible, over and over again for the sole reason of trying to ruin his life by making him uncomfortable.

And now they’re standing in line for the ferris wheel, with Eridan whining and borderline hopping on the spot because he can’t be assed to use a dirty public bathroom to take a leak like everybody else. It’s his loss, really.

“Sol, I think-”

“Absolutely not,” Sollux interrupts. “You’ve had multiple chances to go and if you get out of this huge ass line to pee I’m not coming with you. And if they don’t let you back in with me then you get to go all the way to the back of the line. We’re almost to the front, just hold it a little longer.”

Eridan bites his lip and furrows his brow, concentrating on keeping his thighs squeezed together while trying not to be too obvious to any spectators that he’s trying not to pee his pants like a wiggler. There’s been a growing ache in his lower tummy that, around ten minutes ago, had turned almost unbearable.

The bumper car experience was bad enough as it was but this is _torture_. Eridan probably would have been fine had he not chugged that massive lemon shake-up and if he could kick his past self square in the globes he would.

Except no, because even the mere thought of anyone touching his lower torso in any way shape or form has him sweating bullets. Fuck, Eridan is legitimately concerned that he’s not going to be able to make it. There’s only a handful of trolls in front of him which means him and Sollux probably get to go on the ferris wheel next, but fuck, fuck fuck _fuck_ he’s never had to pee this bad in his entire life. Every step he takes is absolute murder and Eridan swears he can feel his bladder _throbbing_.

Ok, it’ll be fine, he just has to focus. Breathe slowly and think happy thoughts, like Feferi showing up with cotton candy and professing her undying love for him or maybe going on a land dweller killing spree and watching all the blood from their desecrated bodies flowing- _no!_

No flowing, nothing is flowing and Eridan is in _complete control_ of his bodily functions. That’s totally why his thighs are starting to shake with the effort of keeping them clamped shut and why he has to knead at handfuls of his own shirt in order to stop himself from shoving a hand down his own pants to try and keep his pisshole shut.

God, how disgusting. Is this seriously what Eridan, literal royalty, is being reduced to? He can do this. It’ll be fine, he can just ignore the ache in his middle or his pan screaming at him to _pee already_. He’s not this desperate, he’s _not_ going to make a fool out of himself in front of Sollux and all these other trolls.

He’s just… going to keep squirming and ignoring the painful bowling ball pressing down on his gut instead. Yeah, that’s it.

The minutes tick by at a snail’s pace and Eridan thinks he’s going to lose his goddamn marbles. He has half a mind to drop his pants and piss on the ground like a beast because what’s someone going to say to him, a penultimate violet? It’s his hatchright to cull anyone on the spot for disrespecting him but he’s also painfully aware (in more ways than one, with how his insides feel) that Sollux would never let him live it down.

Just _hold_ it. Just a little bit longer. He’s better than this.

Finally, mercifully, the ferris wheel stops and its current riders get off. The little pods are multicolored and Sollux picks a yellow one to slip in to because he’s probably trying to piss Eridan off.

_Piss him off oh no bad choice of words abort abort._

Eridan doesn’t say anything, he simply follows Sollux inside and sits down as gingerly as possible so he doesn’t put any unnecessary pressure on his overfull bladder. The side door to the seating pod is locked and Eridan grips the safety bar in front of him with enough force to turn his knuckles an ashy gray because he legitimately feels like he’s full to bursting, and if he moves a _single_ muscle the dam will break and there will be no stopping it.

It’s too late for thinking happy thoughts.

Right now all Eridan has is misery and his failing ability to control himself in the face of social suicide via pee-soaked pants.

The ferris wheel starts moving and finally, _finally_ Eridan can see the light at the end of the tunnel. These rides normally last, what, ten or fifteen minutes? If he’s lasted this long he can power through this last couple of minutes.

Eridan crosses his legs and cinches them together, attempting to relax in his seat. Even the slight movement of laying back against the hard metal of the pod squeezes out a jolt of pain from his lower half and never has Eridan wanted to die so badly before. He sucks in a huge breath and lets it out slowly through his nose and gills, distracting himself by focusing on the scenery around him.

The view is great, to say the least. The stars are out and there’s barely a cloud in the sky and this ride would be so much more relaxing and breathtaking if he _didn’t have to pee_. At this point Eridan is having a hard time keeping his lower limbs from shaking and the worst part of it all is that Sollux seems _completely oblivious_. He probably thinks Eridan is being dramatic again and if Sollux wants dramatic then Eridan can give him dramatic in the form of throwing that assblood out the ferris wheel pod to plummet to his doom.

Except Sollux can fly and Eridan is pretty sure that any sort of physical effort on his end would result in a pair of soaked pants and a massively bruised ego.

Eridan keeps his cheeks firmly planted to his seat and kneads at the safety bar. The metal is probably going to mess up his perfectly manicured claws but it’s a sacrifice for the greater good. Sollux is busy leaning over the side staring down at all the tiny people and if he launches a glob of spit Eridan _swears_ he’s going to _end him_.

The ferris wheel comes to an unexpected stop, and the moment Eridan realizes what’s happened he sees his life flash before his eyes.

Fuck, _no_ , why this why now why _him_? Of all the trolls in the universe, Eridan is the one stuck at the top of a stalled ferris wheel with a full bladder and a sudden lack of a will to live.

Sollux interrupts Eridan mid-freakout.

“Wow, this sucks,” he says, and Eridan wants to smack him. “I don’t even know why I wanted to come on this ride I mean it’s not like I can’t fly or anything.”

Eridan’s bladder throbs again and tears well up in the corner of his eyes and never before has he been so embarrassed. _Hold it for the love of god hold it_ , he screams at himself but it’s no use. It’s too much, and despite keeping his legs sealed shut with all the highblood strength he can muster, he leaks a little.

It scares him enough that he jerks in his seat, which accomplishes nothing but forcing out another small surge of pee.

No, nononono _please_.

“I kinda just realized how cliche it is to get stuck at the top of a fucking ferris wheel,” Sollux observes, and Eridan just now registers that Sollux is staring at him with a weird, vaguely sort of uncomfortable and apprehensive look on his face, like he’s waiting for Eridan to do something.

Oh no.

Oh god, oh god oh _god_ this should be the best moment of Eridan’s pathetic life because Sollux _was_ hitting on him and he can’t even enjoy it because he’s currently in the process of wetting himself. Sollux has been lobbing pitch at him _all night_ and it went right over Eridan’s big fat head.

He means to say something but all that comes out is a pathetic whine because another scant couple of drops has been added to the growing wet patch on his crotch and Eridan is so, so screwed. He can’t even lean in and make his move to seal the deal because he’s too busy being _embarrassing_ and this is the worst possible timeline ever. Eridan is worse than everybody, he’s worse than _all_ the bodies and his pusher is racing a mile a minute due to a multitude of terrifying reasons and this is it, this is how he dies.

“Sol--”

It comes out as a barely-audible squeak. He’s not going to make it, he’s trembling all over and he’s quickly losing any semblance of control he had over his bodily functions. The ferris wheel abruptly starts up again and the whole thing lurches forward, throwing both Sollux and Eridan against the front of the pod. The safety bar jams right into Eridan’s swollen middle and the pressure is too much. He squawks and gasps as the trickle turns into a flood.

Eridan pisses his pants right there, right in front of Sollux. It’s the best relief he’s ever felt in his entire sad, short life and he’s so, so ashamed of how good it feels to finally let go. The relief doesn’t last for long because Sollux is staring at him in abject horror and Eridan has to cover his face with his hands in shame. He just pissed his pants. In public. In front of Sollux, who in his own weird mustardblooded way just confirmed that they’d basically went on a date.

He can’t believe it.

Sollux breaks the silence by bursting into the loudest, most soul-crushing, most annoying and nasally laugh Eridan has ever heard and his shame intensifies tenfold.

Sollux thinks this is the most hilarious thing he’s ever seen and he knows he should stop himself for Eridan’s sake but no amount of effort can get his giggles under control. Eridan _legitimately just pissed himself_ and here Sollux was, thinking Eridan was just making something into a bigger issue than it needed to be.

What a gift, what an absolute treasure.

He laughs all the way down to the ground where everyone is forced off the ride due to some sort of mechanical malfunction. Eridan begrudgingly gets off after much deliberation and attempts to cover his shame with his cape, but it can only do so much. The stain runs all down his pants legs and some piss even got into his shoes. They squelch with every step and there’s a trail of small puddles behind him; this would be the perfect time for someone to cull Eridan on the spot.

The universe is no longer on his side because right then, _of course_ right then, a gust of wind blows his cape back far enough to expose a large wet patch of his pants. He fumbles to cover himself up again but the damage is done.

Someone in the crowd starts laughing, and Eridan whips his head up just in time to see them point a single finger at him. Slowly, other people start to clue in on what happened, joining in on this one huge miserable joke and now there’s a small handful of trolls howling in laughter at his misfortune.

Even worse is the smattering of trolls who look at him with utter contempt and disgust, sneering at Eridan as they pass by. He can never recover from this, and it’s all because he couldn’t bear to use a public restroom. This is fine, everything is fine, Eridan can simply never show his face in public ever again. Sollux has been valiantly attempting to keep his trap shut once they left the pod but the laughter from the crowd is too much, and he snickers into his fist to try and cover the sound.

Eridan has fantasized for a while about punching Sollux right in the mouth and decides that now is as good a time as ever. If he loses a tooth? Well, so be it. A broken tooth is nothing in comparison to Eridan’s newly-broken sense of piss-stained pride.

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
